Looking back over 20 years as a couple therapists, and looking at the many other couples I've encountered in my personal life, I realize that the happiest and most satisfied of them have had three typical relationships. Demonstrated skills. If you and / or your partner are not great at these skills, do not be discouraged. They rarely come pre-installed; they need to learn and practice:

1. Empathy

Empathy refers to being able to step into another person's shoes and understand their experience and outlook so that you can see how they feel and move again. Certainly, you need to be able to convey your insight correctly to that person in order to benefit from their efforts in understanding.

Empathy is in itself an important relationship skill, but it is also related to the next essential relationship skill.

2. Emotional Recognition

When your spouse or partner is angry or upset with you, the last thing you can think of is the right to feel it to all those who tell them that they have every right to do so. But when you get that exact message — from a place of sympathy and understanding — something magical happens. Instead of provoking their sadness or fury or kindling their flames, your message of emotional validation may actually stoke the flame.

Emotional verification and empathy are extremely important relationship skills in and of themselves. They are augmented by the third essential relationship skill on our list. . .

3. Thoughts and courtesy

Couples continually minimize the impact of small gestures of thought that may have on the tone and dynamics of their relationship. I have seen time and again how to leave a good card, bring flowers, allow the other person to sleep, prepare a favorite meal, give a kind word or affectionate hug, or present a soft and loving tone, quickly. One can put a stop to the stressful and negative dynamic and return the relationship to a positive communication track.

These three relationship skills go hand in hand. Together they form a foundation of care, trust, and relationship, allowing couples to return more easily when they find themselves in times of stress, tension, or emotional distance. Of course, in order for couples to benefit from these skills, they should try to practice, work on them better and integrate them into their daily thinking and communication.